Life continues to be a game of just getting by or at least it feel like it. I always feel overwhelmed- why does everyone else seem so together?
April 13th, 2015
November 21st, 2014
I am just so tired of anxiety. The always present- gnaw. I am tired of life sucking.
November 10th, 2014
I am so heartbroken about my mother
November 5th, 2014
My mom had a biopsy a week ago Monday. she was told 10-14 days for results. She was then given an additional appointment for a full body scan with an appointment to talk to the specialist on the 27. My question is- doesn't over a month sound like a long time to get the results of a biopsy? It was a lung biopsy- why are they making my mother wait so long for her results? is this normal? I know it takes time for appointment but for results? for cancer? Fuck
April 18th, 2014
Been a little absent from here. Life has been coping only. I just find it so hard to believe where I am in life - wonder how I got here and wonder where to go. I feel lost and alone most of the time. The only true happiness I have felt is my daughter. Thank God for that child. How can anything that produced such a wonderous person be a mistake? I do not know what I want anymore- and if ever I think I do I quickly change my mind or mood or mindset. Not surprisingly I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and severe stress reaction to life situations. I have lost a lot of weight. About 35 pounds but I look dramatically different. I have gone from being a chubby married woman to a thin single one in a short period of time. Its jarring at times. I dont want to sound vain because trust me I do not feel it but it has caused issues with friends, men at work, my bosses, other women. I do not feel that different in many ways and yet how I am perceived is so different. I have been single by choice but had a few alcohol related encounters- I have been online chatting but rarely meet anyone- time and parenthood work against it as well as my distaste for dating in general never mind when I am completely ambivalent about anything. Which I am glad I am because- wow- if I actually cared? I have been lied to- and treated like a sexual object and had so many men ask for a friends with benefit arrangement- except it seems it always seems to neglect the friendship part. I get it - sex rules but no one wants to know me at all- just sleep with me- which might even be okay and has been I just grow weary of horny men who don't bother to even say hello before talking dirty. Guess I am old. Its mainly young men I am attracted to- this has been a pain when it comes to maturity. I detest I am back in the single world. I don't want him back I just wish things had been different if that makes sense. Life really kind of sucks to be honest but I get up everyday and I teach small children daily and parent my child and I am trying to get out more with friends. Hoping summer and warmer temperatures will help. Heading to my parents for Easter- my mentally ill father usually is mean and nasty spiteful and sour to me. The rest of my family pretends that I didnt almost die at the hands of my husband- its crazymaking. Julianna adores my mom and my nephew who will be there-
ANyway Happy Easter everyone
ANyway Happy Easter everyone
August 26th, 2013
so angry right now at her new school- We made choices based on information which is now no longer true- going to lose it on someone
March 22nd, 2013
I feel a sense of some small relief- I know messages have been delivered and can maybe get something worked out without urgent court orders. My life is bizarro world right now. I don't know what I think or feel- I say that because it changes like the wind- all these jumble of emotions- My brain seems to be having difficulty assimilating everything. My heart isn't ready to try. My heart and my brain seem to be working from different view points. The pain of all this is down there- it came out once and that was beyond horrible in agonizing wailing gut wrenching cries- I do not want to go there again. I do not know what set it off- that I caught him I imagine- furious I had checked his phone- furious at himself for making it so easy to find his lies. He went from congenial to murderous in a flash. I thank God that he broke out of that psycho fit or whatever the hell he was in and he stopped- . The chaplain called me back and said he was talking to his superiors and asking him to have a lawyer contact me or my attorney. Life is so confusing right now. There was another school cancellation due to snow so I only used 3 days last week. I am debating whether to go back on Monday or wait til after Easter break which next a week Tuesday. I know I am tired, I know I still have legal business, I know should see a counsellor. I know I want to spend time with friends, my parents. Did I mention my brother has not really said anything to me- via phone, text, email,facebook nothing- I told him my husband was in jail and he said good place for him- nothing since then- not even through my mom. My brother and I are not especially close but I thought he might have something to say. My mom likes to think he is so upset he won't say anything- I do not know.
January 3rd, 2013
I have specific resolutions this year. I am going to work on toning, strengthening and kicking my abs into shape- goal for flatter- stronger core- March Break trip to Mexico-primary goal. Secondary is to tone my arms/shoulders/upper back- same timeline. Third- to see more my friends more often- nurture the relationships more. Dinner date set with Julie and Tonya- friends from high school- for next week. Maybe a girls night with Ann to see Starship at the Casino. Another well not resolution but also going to try to insert a little more romance, sex and fun in my life.
December 11th, 2012
remember heather , the loser single girl- who worked with martin and now lives 3 doors up. Well even though she got married in September apparently her and her husband are glorified roommates now and now she wants Martin to help her do renovations at her own apartment so she has somewhere to go. So troubled fucked up chick with the bad marriage wants to spend a few days with my husband to fix up her apartment. he asks me what I think and I asked why her husband was not helping her and he said the roommates line. She helped him with our stairs however he bought her a new saw to do it so he does not owe her anything. He asks how I feel about then says well if you are not comfortable then i won't- I feel like why are you even asking this- so you can say no and say its my fault? how about well its not cool to do that to my wife so I won;'t entertain it no he brings it to me and implies I am insecure and jealous- thing is I really dont care if he does this or not and that says something- I do not care- you wanna hang out with this loser girl and she deals with a break up and be her buddy and confidente go wild- I think its not appropriate to discuss relationships with her- he knows alot about her marriage. I am tired of it- if he doesn't know things by now- who asks a married man to help them renovate their apartment? where are all her other so called friends?
May 3rd, 2012
emotional day at work- first Martin's Grandmama passed away and he left to go to Quebec last night. This morning I made the mistake of watching a video of an older brother surprising his little brother at school after coming home from Iraq- made me teary-then in the photocopy room I ran into Walter- he a teacher here in his 60's but his mom just passed away from Alzeimers its the first I have seen him. I gave him a hug and said I am so sorry to hear of your mom and gave him a hug and he started to cry. he said I am all alone now and no one will ever love me like my mother- broke my heart and I was then crying. he described how he went to her and held her hand and felt her heartbeat as it slowed and then stopped and she was gone and he was crying- I was so upset for him I was crying when I came back to class. then I showed my class the susan boyle video from britains got talent and that still brings a tear to my eye. I feel very emotional today. Very sad for my friend Walter.